Being Direct

Most of all I want to ask Anatole this one unaskable question: Does he hate me for being white?
Instead, I ask, "Why do Nkondo and Gabriel hate me?"
--Leah Price,
The Poisonwood Bible by Barbara Kingsolver

I'm much like Leah sometimes. I have questions I'm dying to ask but never do. I entertain thoughts and ideas that I want to share but just can't for some reason. I bite my tongue, and often I just twist it into another form that can ask a different question-- one that might hint at my real query but has no actual potential for unleashing the conversation I'm seeking. Sometimes I'm so concerned about keeping the peace that I lose myself in the process, and that just doesn't seem like a good thing for anybody.

I wonder if the questions I place in the unaskable box should really be there. I'm starting to think that it may be better to bring up some of those bothersome and awkward conversations than it is to leave them alone. But really, it's less about bringing things up and more about how to respond to what others bring up. I'm realizing it's better to give a direct answer when someone asks a question than to avoid saying what I'm really thinking.

In short, I'm learning how to be more direct. I've even practiced it a few times recently! I appreciate when people are direct with me, and I think it says a lot about a person's character when one is bold enough to say the slightly uncomfortable-- but honest-- thing. I think it's one reason I love kids so much. There is something profoundly beautiful about their undecorated honesty. Perhaps this is one of the implications when Jesus says that the Kingdom belongs to little children?

I'm not talking about aggressiveness here or crass honesty that cuts other people down. I'm talking about being true to myself, being realistic about what I'm thinking and feeling, and respecting the people around me enough to convey those things when necessary. Little is more frustrating than people who dance around their conversations, using a lot of words but really saying a lot of nothing.

But it's also important to know when to keep your mouth shut. (And it's worth mentioning that I don't consider this is the antithesis of being direct.) Sometimes when I want to say something to someone that I'm not sure about yet (especially if I recognize that I'm being exceptionally emotional), I'll write that person an email and let it sit in my draft folder. I've even written a letter or two that I figured I would probably never send. There is something cathartic about just putting the words down, even if the "recipient" never actually hears them or sees them. And more often than not, I feel silly when I re-read what I wrote in a moment of anger, self-pity, or irritation. That's when I know my email was better suited for my draft folder than it was for someone else's inbox.

So, I guess what I'm getting at is this: I think it's always good to be honest, and I would even say it's always good to be direct, but maybe that honesty and directness will take different forms that must be discerned on a case-by-case basis.

I think that's what I'm concluding, but I'm still hammering this out in my mind. (And, no, this is not an example of indirectness, but rather, of the rambling indecisiveness that is forever a part of me... and that's me being honest.)